Wednesday, January 1, 2014

Au Revoir!

It's raining again. I stared out of my window for quite some time just thinking about everything that has happened. Just yesterday it was 2013. Today, it's a new year, 2014. A new start? Now that's complete bullshit cause you'll find yourself waking up and realizing that you're still the same place you were yesterday and you'll still be waking up to "just another day."

As I looked back into the year 2013, I noticed how much I've gone through. How much everyone around me has gone through. If I were to explain it in words, I could never do it. After all, how do you express feelings in just a few mere words? It will never suffice. If you were to say that my life was too fucked up, that's not really the case either. I have food on my platter, roof over my head, garments on my body, friends and family that love me and seriously, it's not that bad at all. But even so, why do I feel like I have nothing? You can say I'm ungrateful, but then again, I can go to bed late at night and then suddenly have the urge to cry my eyes out with this never-ending ache in my chest thinking when I will be truly happy. I don't want to have things or people or anything to MAKE me happy. I just want to BE happy. For the past six months of 2013, so many things happen which seems like a blur. A tornado of memories and it all seem to happen so fast. I've met as many people as fast as I lost them. It makes me rather lose hope in love and life to how people can just do what they do mercilessly and without no care. They use you, break you, then leave you to deal with the mess they've made. And the worse part is, they do not care. They don't care how broken you are nor do they care about what next. I wasn't until recently that I've noticed that I'm pretty fucked up myself and admitted it. I am fucked up. Realizing this only helps me realize that they're other people out there that is as fucked up as I am. Maybe not in the same way, but in their own patches of grey. 

I've been thinking of my new year's resolutions for 2014 for a few days yet when I decided to write this post, I see no need for such listing of resolutions. I will embrace whatever happenings that will come, I will embark and take on challenges that come in my way, and whatever happens, happens. But, instead of resolutions, I decided to set pledges for myself, :-
1) Stop getting easily attached to people
2) Do really well in my studies and get out of this place.
3) To not allow people climbing over my head.
4) Stop trying to please everyone
5) To stop being a fucking pushover
6) To keep dancing for love, for life and for myself.
7) To not think of romance until a man actually prove's his worth as well as my worth to be loved.
8) Love myself more.
9) To find myself.
10) To always be there no matter what for the people I love.

All in all, 2013 dumped a lot of shit on me but yet there has been moments where rays of sunlight have been shining though the cracks of a dark tunnel. 
1) My relationship with my family members grew stronger.
2) Met many strangers who would always be there for me more than my own close friends. I'm happy to call them my friends now.
3) I'm actually enjoy the classes I'm taking.
4) I found a special friend on the other side of the globe through mere hashtags and even though it's just a skype sesh we're still in contact for four months up till now.
5)Some people have actually made me feel beautiful inside and out.
6) Me and the crew won the champion title for Kuching Got Talent 2013 as well as an award for the best in the dancer category.
7) Made many new friends that make life seem easier at hard times.
8) Myself. For standing up shaky, but still standing up everytime I fall.
9) Growing up and maturing instead of being the kid I was.
10) Just living because what is a life and such moments if you're dead? 

Typing this made me realize that none of what has happened in the past year matters anymore. The people that left don't matter. The bad times that were there don't matter. What matters most is that I'm here now and like I said, bring it on. Happy New Year everybody (: xx